Some days I wonder if being so far behind-will I ever catch up?
For fun I took a quiz on FB about my color aura-it described me perfectly. I do get lost in my feelings and emotions. I think I do like to feel that fire and I do want to take care of others. I sometimes get overwhelmed by it all. I definately have a lot of questions I want to ask when I get to the next life. It was three years ago this past week that I had the miscarriage. I know that is one question that I will ask. I still don't understand why-it is a mother's heart that can tell you that he was the son I saw on my mission. He was the little boy and Kyle's brother in my dreams. But for some reason he is not in our earthly family. I don't know why. I can only say that three years later I can finally be at peace to wait until the next life to see him and ask.
I hide most of my feelings in public. I was thinking about him when I learned of little Ryan's passing. When I saw her Tuesday night all I wanted to do was hug her and somehow help her get through it. I know she has others who have been through this expereince. I can't relate the way these two women can. I am grateful for an old friend who is willing to give me some advice from her personal tradegy. It was hard to walk in and see him lying there. But Kelsey told me-the Spirit is really strong-you'll be ok. As I walked in, she was right. I realized that his spirit was with Heavenly Father and he was safe. He was ok. He is not my child so my grief is nothing compared to hers-but it touched me in a testimony building way. I can't explain it. I still just wanted to hold her and take her pain away, but I hope that I can at least become a good friend and support for her when she returns home.
I am also thankful that I got a hold of Jason. He gave me some good advice for Kelsey. She was able to go play soccer last night and that smile of how much she loves to play returned. I could tell she was having fun again and she was glad to be there. She was totally relaxed and having fun! She didn't even realize it had been 2 1/2 hours! So I am very appreciative of the time that he took amidst the trials he is facing.
I am also thankful for Keira's gymnstics coach willing to share her thoughts since she has teenage daughters. I need all the help I can get and it is good to hear others parental thoughts.
I know that this stage will not last very long. There are days when I get caught up in the daily tasks that I forget the big picture. I am trying to appreciate each day.
On a final note....I can admit that in the past few years I have struggled with depression off and on. I know there is still a stigma attached to it and I still feel like a loser writing it. But if there ever comes a time when my daughters or son struggle with depression, I want them to have this reminder that you can get through it. I just have been thinking about this since the "House" episode of Dr. Kutner's suicide. I have been to more suicide funerals than anything else. I have seen an ex-SIL battle with bipolar disease. I have watched a mom struggle with two autistic sons, one more severe than the other. Mental health is an important issue that I wish we could be more open about. I think that is why we have that scripture in Mosiah. We need to help one another to make it on the straight and narrow path. We have our Savior and he gave us each other. What an amazing gift the Father has given us. I was so touched to hear that all 5 of Jen's brothers came the moment they found out about the baby. That is what I believe the Lord wants us to do for each other. So I write-I still struggle with depression off and on, but I am grateful to the Lord and my friends who help me see the amazing things in the life that I sometimes forget. I am grateful for pray and the commandment to pray always. It has lifted me out of my darkness and let me see the sunshine. It has helped me to believe that He will help me to raise good happy peaceful kids. How blessed am I that my almost 12 year old son will still sit on my lap and give me a hug? Or my 10 year old daughter will out of the blue walk up to me and give me a bear hug and tell me she loves me? My 5 year old daughter tells me that she loves me and I am the best. and Kenna is still our velcro child.
I have so many blessings in this life and I believe that I was blessed to live in a time of the fullness of the gospel. I am blessed each day to have the Spirit to guide me and help me to progress along the path to becoming a window to his love and a doorway to the truth. It may be cliche and cheesy-but I hope that I will always strive to be a handmaiden unto the Lord.
I
It is a circus around here-with our 4 clowns that make us laugh!! But it is MY circus!
2 comments:
thank you so much for your honest words. I also consider myself someone who struggles with depression. Not chronic, but bouts here and there that can last a day or two or a week or two. I am constantly striving to live near the spirit--it's the only thing that gets me through. Well that and my family and friends.
I picked an interesting day to bounce into your blog...
It has been several years since I was diagnosed with chronic depression and given treatment - probably a decade too late. I was astounded at how I got my life back. The most difficult thing now is forcing myself to not think about what might have been - possible accomplishments, pain I might have been spared, happiness I could have had - had I been well during that time, since it doesn't do any good. I'm grateful for those who cared enough to help me out, and can appreciate so much more the happiness I have now. Also, you're right - I feel like I'm better prepared now to help my kids if or when they struggle with depression, even momentarily.
Post a Comment