Pants=Love

If anyone has read these books you recognize this. With the way life has been in our "sad" town I have been reading a lot-mainly to let go of all the tension and stress that came along with Ike. We are blessed and safe and I count my blessings often-but it was a hard week for the Brann Clan. Kenna had a hard time with it all-she cried and cried at Grandma's especially when we tried to leave her-even Kelsey couldn't settle her down. She is slowly getting comfortable again and I am soooo grateful to Sarah for all the advice and support she has given me this past week on how to get through the challenges of being a mom. It is a sweet boon to have someone feel the same way I do about being a mom and raising a child that has so many fears. (and sickness) On a whim I decided to read the first book of the traveling pants. The movie trailer looked cute so I thought what the heck. I got hooked and read all 4 books in 2 days. I read fast, but it was very liberating to be able to let go and reflect.
I have decided that my former self was Bee and as I tried to be an adult I was invisible Carmen. It hitme that for so many years now I was trying to be invisible. Not believing that I fit in or belonged. I wasn't sure who I was anymore and as I struggled with that I reached for food to help hide me. (for those of you who just come by from time to time-sorry about my deep thoughts) I thought about all the things that made me who I was. I didn't want them to make up who I am-at least not the bad stuff. As I read these books-it hit me. Do I have friends like the ones in the traveling pants. Not like the book but I have friends who are true and who accept me for who I am.
So for me today is a new day. I am not going to be invisible Amanda anymore. I doubt that I will get back to being Mandy, but hopefully I will find somewhere in between. I will get back to running and dancing and singing and well being spontaneous! I was pretty hyper back in the day. Nobody ever said that turning 36 in a few days meant that I had to be boring.
But life is too short to go through life without good friends and your favorite pair of pants. That may sound cheesy but it is true.
As I see all these people who have lost everything as I think about my grandfather who was a FEMA/disaster head guy back in the day-I realize that he prepared me to be a responsible woman and I have let him down by giving up on myself. I may still cry when I think about him, but I am going to live my life with knowing that I can do what I set my mind to do-I forgot that when I was 18. I believed all those who told me I couldn't, I shouldn't, I wouldn't. I believed that person who told someone-oh don't marry her she's not worth it to a former boyfriend (at age 20)...He always believed in me and he knew that he was a first responder to all of south texas.
I will keep all these people in my prayers and realize that stuff does come and go-thinking about the tree that fell and if it had been the other tree a few yards closer-i wouldn't have my husband or kenna with me right now. They mean a lot to me. Jeremy has loved me even when I couldn't love myself or felt like I deserved his love. So I am soo grateful to the Lord for keeping him safe.
yes, my family and my friends are safe-but I came out of the storm realizing that I too am safe. The storms that have come and gone in my life left wreckage I hadn't picked up yet and I can pick it up and throw it away. I can move forward and see that sunshine that is out there and realize that the storm was hard, afterwards was hard, but the cool front that followed was a blessing and a reminder that the Lord does know us and He does watch out for us-we just need to be aware and pay attention to it instead of push it aside.
Pants=Love....May I always have love in my life and good friends to walk this journey with....