Yeah!

Well I have to say that this has been a great week-of course it has not been a perfect week, but a great one. I was sad to see the kids go back to school yesterday-I miss them when they go back-I was blessed with really sweet kids and I miss them when they were gone. I got to watch Kelsey at soccer last night and talk to one of the other parents. It was fun discussing what we want to be when we grow up (or the kids really...) I go back and forth between getting a nursing degree or getting a master's in antropology or history so I can teach at a JC. (That was the original plan) I am back to leaning towards the master's degree b/c it would take less time-and I enjoy teaching. I haven't in sooo long that I have forgotten if I m any good at it...So ask me in a year-once it is just Kenna at home I'll probably try to take a few classes.
I had a great time last night. Thank you Kelsey for having a birthday! Thank you Laura for sending me stay strong vibes while I was at Chili's with all of those wonderful options! It was so nice to get out and to come home to a quiet house! That was awesome. Kyle came down and said good night-that's the sweet boy that he is always making sure we are ok before he goes to bed.
But best of all I have kept a goal ALL WEEK! I have stayed on track and not consumed more than 1500 calories each day and have spent at least 45 minutes doing Wii Fit. I am getting better at the strength moves, and the aeoribic stuff and the yoga-but the best part is getting stronger on my ankle that I couldn't balance on for more than 5 sec! (my reconstructed ankle) so that has been really amazing for me to see that I will get my athleticism back-it may take forever-but I am so excited to keep moving forward! Maybe when I reach my goal I'll get lucky again and have another random stranger tell me I don't look older than 27. That would rock!
I guess I have been reflecting a lot since I am hitting 36 in 6 days. I'm only 4 years away from the over the hill b-day and it has made me stop and think.
For the past year I have been struggling with the side effects of my endometriosis. Some days are really bad-others not so much. I remember that it was so hard as a sister missionary going to see all these doctors and not one (back in the old days they told you it was all in your head-I'd never had pain that I couldn't deal with until that time) giving me an answer other than well given your family history you probably won't be able to have kids. I was crushed and I felt so alone. I thought this isn't my issue. I really struggled and couldn't believe it. I tried this and I tried that. People have asked me since what it was that they gave me and I couldn't tell you-I was trying so hard to be a good missionary that I just did what they said and kept trying. It started before I left for the field and was still a problem when I got back. I think I saw 5 doctors in CA and then another 5 in SLC. Finally, the one in SLC told me to have the surgery. My mom told me to come home so her doctor could do it. I did and that time still being set apart as a missionary is a whole different blog. But when I returned to the mission, I just believed if I still did what they said and I was faithful it would all work out. When I got married so quickly after getting home (once again another blog) after a year of marriage I was afraid if we didn't try (even if I wasn't ready) we might end up back down that road again. I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant with Kyle. It was the same thing for Kelsey, but I started bleeding really bad and they told me I was having a miscarriage and to deal with it. But Jeremy gave me several blessings and as you know-Kelsey is here.
Well, the next five years I couldn't get pregnant. People would ask questions and at times it was really hard. When you have a child, they assume things, and treat you differently than when you have none. I was grateful for the ones that I had, but no one could give me an answer as to why I couldn't seem to get pregnant and the doctors kept telling me you have two so you're fine.
I don't profess to understand many things, but I remember how much it hurt to hold other babies. It felt so foreign to me-like a world I was never going to get to visit again. One day I had had it with all OB's I sat down my regular doctor and said-look I want another baby-what can I do. He gave me several different things and 9 months later I was pregnant-but he looked at me and said-ok-let's get you another baby, and he was right there when Keira was born to make sure she was ok.
The journey to the next baby was harder-the endo always made things challenging-I bled a lot with Keira and was on bed rest a lot, but I believed I'd have one more baby. When I was pregnant with her I had a dream that I had a boy and he died and the scene flashed to another baby and it was a girl. It was so real I remember waking up in a daze, but I forgot about it until I decided to try to have another baby. It took a little while to get pregnant, but we did and I was so excited. For the first time I waited to tell anyone (even though I was feeling crummy). It was right before Easter when we did tell everyone-I was so excited to have a Thanksgiving baby. On Easter I started bleeding again. I thought-oh it is just going to be a long 28 weeks, but I'll get through it. But that wasn't to be-I lost him 4 days later. It was hard because I was still greiving when I got pregnant. Someone told me just watch-so many people who have trouble getting pregnant have a D&C and BAM! Well-welcome Kenna.
As I approach my surgery for the endo on the 24th of October-I think of the interesting road life took-the Lord blessed me with my four children. Not quite the road I expected, but I got here. I look forward to feeling better and if it doesn't work I get to move into that "H" group of old women~
But as I was "doing it wrong" last night with a sweet newborn-it hit me-each of us have these trials-having a family (however they may come) is hard enough-we need to stand strong with one another and lift each other up and bring joy. Someone once told me when the meds to try and have Keira were making me soooo sick-maybe you should just give up. I thought about it-but prayers were answered-I know that He answers them in a way for each of us that will bring us the most joy in the long run-it may not seem so right now-but we will see it and feel it.

Although it is cheesy I think we should all sing along with Demi "This is real, this is me, i'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now-gonna let the light shine on me-now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in-no more hiding who i want to be-This is me!"
At least that's how I feel when I see Kelsey and her best friend sing along to this song-
As women we should be singing a long not worrying if we are on key or not-just happy being ourselves!